The Bear Story

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out:
"Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped
his right paw, sat back on his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty ...
thru Christ our Lord... Amen."

How Men Think

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure- maybe she choked".

Big Mouth

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother. Men will never learn.